Ever
since the first time I had séx, I’ve been afraid. Not of the séx,
please. Just like any other woman with a healthy libido — I enjoy the
séx. What I don’t enjoy is what can happen because of séx. Nope, not a
commitment-phobe. I am, however, frightened of becoming pregnant.
The
answer to your question is yes. At some point or another, I’m going to
want a child. At that point, when hopefully I’m married, financially
stable, and prepared — that child will be my everything. But now? For
the past 10 years? No. I’m just not ready. Nowhere close.
The
fear, it’s cautionary and a little irrational. Despite being on the
pill for years and years now, I rarely have unprotected s*x. In a
three-year relationship that ended not all that long ago, I could count
those risque encounters on one hand.
And
you know what? I think it’s safe to say that my fear drives every
single man I ever date insane. Who am I kidding? It’s driving me insane,
too.
séx
is an intimate thing. It’s a close thing. At the end of the day: It’s a
big deal. It’s frustrating, knowing that for so many people without
this fear, getting hot and heavy is spontaneous. It’s fun. It can be
done anywhere, anytime, without a care in the world. For me, though,
I do care. Even if STDs were non-existent, I get anxiety every time my
partner and I do the deed without that extra protection. To be really
frank with you: Pull out or stop. It’s not just any anxiety, either.
This anxiety prevents me from continuing on in my day-to-day life.
However,
I’m human. In the moment, it’s easy to say “screw it” (and me) and
let’s just go for it instead of hopping over to the drug store. So what
results? The next morning, I immediately regret it. I think, Is this the
time a pregnancy test will come out positive? I wonder when my last
period was. When my next one should be. I wonder if I should get Plan B.
I get mad at myself. Eventually later that week, I may buy a pregnancy
test.
Is
it bad that I’m this way? Yes and no. I’ve been in a relationship where
my overcautious attitude annoyed my partner too much (read: he didn’t
want to use protection all the time) and we went our separate ways. I
understand. I’m sure that it’s easier to be with a woman who is on a
birth control pill that she trusts and doesn’t freak out after a
spontaneous sexcapade.
Still,
I’d rather be too cautious. The right man and partner won’t get angry
with me about my mentality. I’d like to stick with the attitude that if
my companion can’t accept that I’m trying to do us both a favor, he and I
don’t need to have an intimate relationship in the first place.
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