As
thrilled as you are that your inner circle consists of successful,
happy women, it’s normal to question whether you’re as successful and
happy as they are. “Women instinctively compare themselves to their
friends,” explains Irene Levine, PhD, professor of psychiatry at the New
York University School of Medicine and author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend.“When
a friend has more of something or does something better—whether it’s
looks, a career, a family or money—it’s natural to feel some degree of
jealousy.” But competition can cause you to be aggressive toward your
pal or avoid her completely. “Being aware of your envy is a good first
step because you can devise strategies to overcome the negative
consequences of that feeling,” says Dr. Levine. Not sure how to deal
with your competitive streak? Try these solutions for beating seven
common jealousy triggers.
Bigger House:
The problem: Your abode is smaller than your fellow homeowner’s.
The
fix: If a more spacious home is your main priority, it’s not impossible
to attain, says Jan Yager, a friendship coach and author of When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal With Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You. You
could move to a larger house in a less expensive neighborhood, she
suggests. But most of the time, there’s no compelling reason to feel
jealous over a McMansion. “Think of all the negatives associated with a
huge house,” she says, such as extra effort to maintain it and expensive
utility bills to pay. Also, concentrate on what you do well around the
house. Invite your buddy over and show off your gardening skills or
cookie-baking prowess.
Sweet Children
The problem: You haven’t had kids yet—or the ones you have aren’t as well-behaved.
The
fix: Looking at both the good and bad of parenting can calm your
insecurities. If you’re childless, take advantage of the upsides. “Plan
special evenings with your partner, take mini-vacations or indulge at a
spa,” recommends Dr. Levine, who, as a clinical psychologist, often
gives women parenting advice. And if you’re comparing your children to
others, remember it’s easy for outsiders to see only perfection, she
says. Instead, focus on your friendship (and not her family) by doing
kid-free activities together.
More Impressive Career
The problem: Your friend has a dream job, while you’re stuck in a work rut.
The
fix: Most people have ups and downs in their careers. Keep in mind that
your friend’s success may be temporary and that you may not have an
accurate picture of her job: A high salary can mean plenty of late
nights, and a great title can mean lots of stressful responsibilities.
Even if her work is low on downsides, you’ll be happier if you take
control of your own career. If you’ve been excelling, it may be time to
approach your boss for a raise. If you just want out, work with a career
coach to find a position you’ll enjoy. You can also seek your
successful friend’s advice, suggests Dr. Levine. “Use this person as a
mentor to figure out how to take your career to the next level,” she
says. Be specific in your request: Ask your pal for her best
interviewing tips, feedback on your resume or help with workplace
dilemmas.
Better Fashion Sense
The problem: Your friend is always impeccably dressed, but your wardrobe doesn’t measure up.
The fix: It’s tempting to go out and buy the contents of her closet. But Susan Shapiro Barash, author of Toxic Friends: The Antidote for Women Stuck in Complicated Friendships, advises against it. “Getting
the same purse or shoes as a pal might not be as satisfying as finding
one in your own distinctive style,” she says. Even if you can’t afford
high-end duds, purchasing fashionable, budget-friendly items can help
you feel like you’re not missing out. Chances are you already have great
classics stashed away that can be paired with new accessories to
elevate your look.
Fitter Physique
The problem: Your friend’s thinner frame makes you more aware of your less-than-perfect body.
The
fix: It’s natural to compare your shape to your friends’ and even
celebrities’, but there’s no such thing as healthy competition when it
comes to weight. “It’s best to separate from your friend
here—concentrate on your body type,” advises Barash. Decide what you
love about your figure, so you dress to emphasize those features, and
areas you’d like to slim down or tone, so you can create a plan to
achieve those goals. Start a workout regime by joining a gym or group
fitness classes, which can “lessen the jealousy and boost your personal
power,” says Barash.
Less Ample Finances
The problem: You’re living on a budget, while your friends seem to be swimming in cash.
The
fix: “This may be one of the toughest challenges to overcome,” points
out Dr. Levine. “With discrepancies in incomes, there are often
discrepancies in lifestyles.” Rather than face what you can’t afford,
plan group activities that won’t break the bank, like running errands
together or meeting in the park for a chat. Living within your means
instead of trying to keep up with the Joneses will ultimately make you
happier. To further quell jealousy, tell friends that you’d like to
avoid discussing certain topics, like salaries and expenses. They’ll
likely follow your lead. “If they’re bragging with no regard for your
feelings, ask yourself whether they’re good friends,” adds Dr. Levine.
More Loving Husband
The problem: Your partner pales in comparison to a pal’s thoughtful spouse.
The
fix: Use what you see in your friend’s fulfilling marriage as a
jumping-off point for improving your own. “If that husband seems more
affectionate than yours, figure out what he’s doing that your husband
could do more often,” says Yager. Does he dole out more compliments or
shower your friend with physical attention? “Let your spouse know that
you would welcome those behaviors in him—without showing you’re jealous
of your friend’s relationship,” she suggests. “And remind yourself that
you have no idea what your pal’s partner is really like behind closed
doors,” she adds.
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