Bonds
between people can be an amazing, wonderful thing. You think of the
love bond between happily married people. The maternal bond between
mother and child. The friend bond between BFFs. But did you know that
bonds can be formed that are every bit as strong but are harmful and
toxic?
It’s
counterintuitive, but people can develop incredibly deep loyalties to
those who are using them, abusing them, and exploiting them. Think of
the prostitute who “loves” her pimp. The abused wife who won’t leave her
husband. Victims who help or even marry their kidnappers.
The
bonds that form between a victim and an abuser are called “trauma
bonds” or “betrayal bonds.” Could you be in a trauma bond with your
spouse? Here are 10 signs you might be. (Trauma bonds happen to both men
and women, but for simplicity’s sake, these are written for women.)
1.
You think being treated badly is normal. If you tell your friends and
family how your husband speaks and behaves toward you, they are
concerned for you. Yet you think nothing is wrong.
2.
Fighting. You have repetitive fights about the same thing, over and
over, and no one ever wins, there’s never any insight. If you do feel
that you “got somewhere” with the fight, that’s all wiped out when you
have the same fight about the same thing again — probably the next day.
3.
You defend your abuser/user. You find yourself complaining to friends,
family, or therapists about how your husband is treating you, but then
instantly begin to defend him or blame yourself, i.e., “Well, if I
didn’t nag him so much, he wouldn’t have hit me,” or “If I wasn’t so
fat, he wouldn’t need to cheat.”
4.
Loss of free will. Everything in your mind tells you to leave your
spouse, but you find yourself unable to make any kind of change.
5.
You’re in love with the fantasy, not the reality. You find yourself
incredibly attached to the “storyline” of “how things should go” or “how
they should be” despite the fact that the reality of the relationship
bears little resemblance to it.
6.
“Auuuughhh!!!” You often feel like Charlie Brown, who repeatedly kicks
the football that Lucy holds, only to have her pull it out at the last
minute. The idea that THIS TIME he won’t pull the football continues to
have power despite his always pulling the football and you always
landing on your back.
7.
Conversion. You keep trying to “convert” your spouse into someone who
treats you right, “convince” him to behave differently, or “prove”
yourself to him. You think if only you can “prove” yourself, everything
will be different. You try to get him to “understand” that what he
does/says is hurtful to you. If only he would “understand”!
8. You don’t like him. You “love” your spouse, but you don’t like, respect, or even want to be around him.
9.
The next generation. Although you can’t leave your spouse and even say
you don’t want to, you’d be horrified if your daughter brought home a
new boyfriend and declared he was “just like daddy.”
10.
Obsession. If you do manage to break away from your spouse, you obsess
and long to the point of nostalgia about the horrible relationship you
got away from and that almost destroyed you.
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