The issue of marriage and an accompanying token as a symbol of love, affection and commitment is something that has been with man from time immemorial.
It is generally accepted worldwide and in almost all cultures and religions that partners must show a physical sign of affection so that others will know that a partner is ‘taken’ and all other suitors should look elsewhere.
This is a form of deterrent that is also supposed to act on a two-pronged front. As I’ve said before, it is a form of deterrent but also as a token of love from one partner to the other. It is also a physical manifestation of that avowed feeling of love.
A lot of couples, especially young women getting married these days have come therefore to expect an engagement ring at the first announcement of an intending wedding to show the commitment of their partner to them and the whole world.
Most young intending brides even openly ask for the engagement ring from their partners now as it marks the initiation of serious commitment. The issue is not about the engagement ring itself but people’s attitude towards it.
People’s perception towards anything and everything relating to love and marriage has been romanticed by Hollywood and Nollywood’s ideas of romance and what the society’s expectations should be. A lot of young intending lovers have a lot of expectations on how they want their romantic story to start.
For a lot of these idealized youths and some people who are not so young but still young at heart, their story should not start without the man proposing to them in a romantic setting with a candlelight dinner and at least a red rose in a vase and an accompanying wedding ring given out by the man on bended knees with beats of soft music wafting through the air.
Nice setting right?
The truth is that there is no one who doesn’t want to have his or her idea of the ideal. But the real deal is that most times when expectations meet reality, something must surely give.
Another way to look at this is that the introduction of the engagement ring as an expectation of one of the partners in most cases, especially when the man is coming from a culture or environment that does not see any big deal in giving out the engagement ring to one’s partner may lead to problems.
A man proposing to a partner who sees a big deal in the introduction of the engagement ring while he doesn’t believe in it will have a great deal of problem changing the perceptions or images he’ll unknowingly be creating in the minds of his woman and his future in-laws.
Setting off into marriage on a very wrong footing is something intending couples must be careful to guard against especially when it’s something that can be easily avoided through good communication and understanding by the two people involved. Whether couples give each other an engagement ring or not does not affect the quality of the marriage.
For me personally, a marriage proposal is more than just a simple question of ‘will you marry me?’ accompanied with a sparkling ring as a token of that affection. It is more of a promise of wanting to spend one’s remaining lifetime with your partner in bliss, sickness and good health and all other situations in-between.
Come to think of it, an intention of marriage is something that the man in most cases would have known within himself while during the courtship. Most men if not all of us already have an idea of the type of woman we want to spend the rest of our lives with and the engagement proposal is just for us, a formality.
A formality we may do without if given the chance. For me, the issue of the engagement ring has nothing to do with love. It may be an investment in terms of its monetary value and may be used as collateral if it’s as expensive as our women want it to be, but it’s no big deal to us.
Therefore, on the question of whether an engagement ring must accompany a marriage proposal, I’ll say no because it is very obvious that its intrinsic value to the marriage is minimal vis-à-vis what people should really expect from the marriage itself.
Not necessarily
The American lifestyle shown in Hollywood movies (now influencing Nollywood movies) have created some kind of default expectation in young ladies in relation to marriage proposals.
Whilst young ladies fantasize about Mr. Right’s looks and attributes, they also day dream about how he should propose. Mr. Right is to propose on bended knees, in a romantic atmosphere, and most of all, with a beautiful studded ring.
This expectation is so deep seated and strong that the average lady records her marriage proposal date as the date her man popped the question WITH A RING.
In fact, even if she has agreed to marry a man and they have discussed their future together, including their desires regarding children, she may not talk about being engaged until there is a ring. Mr. Right’s title will remain “boyfriend” and will not change to “fiancé” until he places a “rock” on her finger. Is this how it should be?
Is a marriage proposal incomplete without a ring? Well, I have seen ladies wearing “engagement” rings for many years only to be dumped by the men who promised to marry them. I have also seen men who propose without rings and who follow through to marriage without any delay. So how important is an engagement ring?
People say that offering a lady an engagement ring while proposing marriage is an indication that the man is serious and has thought it important to expend resources to show the lady how valuable she is.
A school of thought says that a man can pop the question to many girls simultaneously, but he is not likely to present an engagement ring to more than one lady. This makes sense, but I do not think this is good enough reason to insist that a marriage proposal must be accompanied by a ring. Yes, it is true that an engagement ring makes a woman feel special and makes the proposal sound or look more romantic.
But I believe that the genuineness of a proposal is not determined by a ring. A lady should not get offended if her man proposes to her without a ring.
There are many parameters for determining whether a marriage proposal is genuine and reliable. That is a topic for another edition. On the other hand however, I strongly subscribe to romantic proposals accompanied by a lovely engagement ring. No dear, I am not speaking from two sides of my mouth; I am simply distinguishing between the ‘must-have’ and the ‘good-to-have’.
A woman needs to know how special she is to the man who wants to spend the rest of his life with her. The marriage proposal is supposed to be memorable, and believe me, a ring will help in making it so.
I must state that some ladies feel that having an engagement ring when proposing shows some level of confidence or assumption on the part of the man.
In other words, it sends signals to the lady that the man is sure that her answer is yes. Oh well! Who says that a woman must say yes when she sees a ring? But really, a marriage proposal is not a question from the blues; it is not a request to go on a date. In other words, it is not random. There usually is some ‘history’ between the man and the lady, and the man should have seen some ‘green light’ urging him to pop the question.
This brings me to a point we cannot ignore: most couples actually have two proposals; the first one being the actual one when the man asks for the lady’s hand in marriage or brings up “marriage talk” with her as the wife for the first time.
The second one, which is the most talked about, is the more formal and romantic one which ladies tend to refer to as “the proposal”, insinuating that it was the one and only proposal.
Whether it is just one proposal or two or more proposals, a man should make each proposal special. Marriage is a lifetime affair which should have very special moments; it only makes sense that the conversation which starts the journey must be done in a special way.
An engagement ring need not be in sight for a proposal to be special, but a woman should have a ring on her finger before wedding plans begin.
In other words, once the man has met the lady’s parents to inform them about his intentions and both families have agreed that the relationship can lead to marriage, the man should put a rock on his woman’s finger. That’s all! So is a marriage proposal incomplete without a ring? Not at all!
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